Penny for a thought?

I've always known that I have a short fuse and to be honest it's never really been a problem. Well until recently anyways. Lately I've found myself being annoyed and agitated more frequently, not sure if people are just rubbing me the wrong way or if I've just been on edge. When I become enraged I have a nasty tendency to say things that I always end up regretting. Sometimes its what I honestly think or feel but sometimes the words are just meant to sting. I don't intend to be vicious and rude but I can't help what comes out of my mouth. That has always been something that I hate about myself; I speak without thinking about the consequences. Maybe that is why I repel people. I don't know I'm just typing my thoughts as they occur. I feel as if I've lost a lot of close friends and truthfully it saddens me. I wish I could say it doesn't bother me, but it does. Now whenever I need someone to talk to, I have no one. My only source of outlet is writing, and although it alleviates my mind, it doesn't replace the comfort and security that friendship can. I don't need a ton of friends I just need a few who I can really trust and rely on. I'm no good when it comes to reaching out, but I am pro when it comes to pushing people away. Reality binds until it crushes you with its weight. I guess the most reasonable thing to do is work on myself first and then seek out other people. I suppose time will tell if I follow my rationality.

-Addy

Life Lessons

You know when you're watching a movie and the main character is too dense to realize what they should do? or they come to a realization that was obvious to everyone around them and very obvious to us watching the film? or maybe even have to make a choice that they have been avoiding the entire time? Well until now I never understood how someone could be so unaware and so oblivious to the situation. I was trapped in a never ending spiral and I never knew it. Or maybe I did but I didn't want to see it or much less admit it. Why was I wasting my time trying to reach out to someone who couldn't care less if they were reached? It makes me sick to think about how much time I have wasted on this person. I just woke up and reality struck me in the face like a brick; hard. I can't really explain, its almost as if I've been fishing in a puddle for a tiny guppy, rather than in the vast ocean. You know those cheesy sayings and quotes about life? Well, they don't mean much until you encounter a real life situation in which the saying fits perfectly. Sometimes people can't be forced or pushed to realize their mistakes. Sometimes you have to let them move at their own pace and let them discover the truth on their own. Isn't the moment of change and growth in the main character that really makes the whole movie have meaning? If you tell the person what to do and when to do it, then it doesn't mean as much. I guess What I'm trying to get at is that if Someone had told me that I was wasting my time, I wouldn't have believed them and denied all of it. I'm not saying I have reached enlightenment and am now perfect when it comes to life decisions. But I do feel like I have finally landed on solid ground. I still have hope that my efforts weren't in vain and that this person realizes how much their friendship means to me. I truly hope they are willing to repay my effort with some of their own. Maybe I'm still naive but I still want to believe that there is some other reward here other than a lesson learned. I used to live by the expression: "hope for the best, but expect the worst" To be perfectly honest I only ever got the first part down, and needless to say I was sometimes very upset and disappointed by the outcomes. Point is: take whatever you can from an experience and move on. Who knows maybe the outcome will surprise everyone, including you.

well until my next post
-Addy

job frustration

While browsing online today I found myself scrolling through pages and pages of job postings. As I read the details about the job and requirements I began to notice a disturbing pattern. All of these jobs required experience in the field. Even those who claimed "no experience needed" stated that candidates with experience were favored. How are you supposed to get a job that requires experience if no one is willing to give you experience?! I know plenty of people out there feel my frustration when it comes to job hunting, and this is what they encounter. Maybe this is just me, but it seems like the more we advance the harder it is for everyday people to get employed and even more so to stay employed. I know everyone preaches that people need to get an education, and I agree it is important, but can we please be realistic for change? Not everyone can afford a college education! yes there are scholarships and grants available, but sadly not everyone qualifies or even stands a chance of earning those. It just seems to me that all of these employers and companies want educated people, and yet society is making it extremely difficult for people to rise up. People like to blame society for the way things are, but aren't we the society? I consider myself very lucky and privileged to have the amount of education I have. It's just heartbreaking to see so many people take their education for granted and even more so to see people not taking it seriously. I just wanted to rant about it since I am feeling frustrated that I can't seem to find anyone willing to hire me, due to lack of experience.

I hope all of you are well :)
well until my next post
       -Addy

update and random thoughts

I am up way earlier than usual today because my anxiety would not let me sleep. Why? because I was worried about my semester grades! So I checked my grades and was so excited when I discovered that I had passed all my classes! and with not too shabby grades i might add. Slowly the feeling of tiredness is creeping its way back into my system as I type this.

 Well in other news I have noticed a funny thing about humans and the way this society works. Even though we like to think of ourselves as unique individuals, the reality is we aren't. People like to express themselves through clothing and other creative outlets. Which I can understand, I mean seriously I run a blog people and I am in love with creative writing!, after all it is the best way I can express myself. Although there is nothing wrong with wanting to differentiate oneself from others, one has to question; am I really that different? there are many different types of fashion styles out there in the market today, but have you noticed that all the clothing follow a certain trend regarding that style? yes you can be unique with your style, well to an extent. All of those who share your style will most likely also be following that styles trend just like you. The only solution I can find to this little dilemma is one that may not sit well with some. The answer? Thrift stores! Recycled clothing may not be every one's cup of tea, but it is certainly worth a second glance and a definite chance. Clothing is not the only way one tries to be unique there is also creative expression. whether it is: music, painting, writing, photography, etc. One also has to admit that these outlets are a common practice for numerous other people as well. I'm not trying to kill anyone's mood but I do feel like it's time for people to open their eyes. My point is simple: yes everyone is unique within their circle of friends or crowd, but in the large spectrum are you really that different? are your goals and dreams truly that distinct from all the rest? chances are that there are in fact some small details or embellishments that differ your goals from others; but overall we share the same goals.

This was just a thought that occurred to me. I know some people will agree and others may disagree, but we are all entitled to our own opinions. I hope you all are having a fantastic: morning, day, or evening! I am about to go crawl back into my bed and sleep until my hearts content, so until my next post!

Slice of Mind

I'm not sure where to start. So I guess I'll just type out my thoughts as they occur in my mind. If this is hard to follow I apologize. I've always been an indecisive person, and it has never really bothered me, well until now. I mean before it was no big deal if i couldn't decide which flavor ice cream i wanted or what shirt to wear. But its gotten to a point where its becoming unbearable. I feel as if I keep deciding and then changing my mind over and over again.The worst part is that the decisions that cause me anxiety, are the very ones that only I can solve. I wish I could confide my problems and insecurities to others... but the truth of the matter is they wouldn't understand. And even if they do, what good will it do? I can't even decide if I should follow their advice. Besides most people only ask out of mere curiosity; not because they care. I realize I sound completely jaded, but this is my reality. Waiting and waiting for a reality that is not destined to be mine. I don't want this rant to get too long so I'll just stop here, even if my mind still has some unsaid words. I also do not want to share the gory details of the truth. So for now this will suffice until my next post.

Back!

wow its been over a year since I was on here, and honestly speaking I stopped because i wasn't even writing anymore. I admit I was lacking motivation and not to mention inspiration. But actually at the beginning of this year like around January i actually picked up a pencil and started writing again. Ill also admit that even then i never really finished the piece i started working on. I truly do love writing, its just i start to doubt myself and then i lose inspiration and get horrible writers block. These aren't excuses I'm just stating facts. I think I'm going to start updating this blog more often because it will also help me start writing more again. Chances are I'll also change the title of the blog because I know i wont be updating daily and honestly sometimes I want to post some not optimistic things so def going to change the name i would change my url too, but that's permanent. I guess that's all i wanted to say so yeah of you are reading this i hope you are doing well.

Untitled

She clenches her teeth and bites on her lips in response to her unstable nerves.
she forces herself to plaster on a smile on her face, and tries to calm her voice to sound normal.
unconsciously as she speaks, her hands form fists and her nails leave dark red marks on her delicate hands.
Her chest burns as her anxiety increases from the hatred and anger that is growing inside her.
she becomes a hypocrite as she feigns happiness and friendliness when in reality she is turning into a vicious being thirsting for blood.
Envy has penetrated her skin and is running wild through her veins infecting her once innocent and now vulnerable soul. She cannot help but envy all of those who have found happiness and love. It got to a point where she even envied her best friend who had always been there to support her.
Her never ending jealousy had easily taken over her life.

She uses all her will power to try and conceal the monster within her.
once the overwhelming sensation passes she builds a wall to keep others out and to keep her vulnerability locked inside away from the world.
when someone is able to see past her walls, she resorts to lying and refuses to accept the help from others.
she would rather die than have anyone ever pity her.
Her Pride keeps her in the claws of her inner demons.

She is unable to discover her true self.
her frustrations of being born into a world in which she never belonged to, makes her crave for unreasonable possessions.
she has everything a girl could ever want and yet her heart is never satisfied and yearns for more.
the more she gets the more empty she feels inside, her inability to satisfy the Greed inside of her, brings her to tears that eventually run dry.

She is lost in this cruel world and longs for someone to love and devour her.
she is incapable of loving herself and does not know how to love anyone or anything.
the touch and feel of having another person crave her is enough to get her through the day.
she is burning with a fever as he caresses her body.
she wants more and more each time.
she falls deeper and deeper into an abyss of Lust, and drifts further away from what she truly desires, love.

The morning after she gave into her temptation she finds herself with tears of anger and disgust in her lifeless eyes.
her shame slowly converts itself into pure anger, not only towards the man who used her just as she used him but towards the world itself.
the anger boils inside her and from that anger Wrath takes over.
she reaches for the night stand and tightly grasps a pocket knife.
the comforting sensation of a blade makes her her quiver but the anger and pain she feels makes her go through with it.
the man that she had shared her body with no longer breathes, for his body is nothing more than a soul less carcass.
Her hands once pure are now trembling as she lays in bed drenched in a strangers blood.
her anger and intense pain remain and will not let her sleep.

She seeks comfort but finds none in the cold stares of those around her.
Her conscience is unable to cope with all the guilt she holds in her heart.
She turns to food as her comfort for she cannot find any other source of peace.
Gluttony is the only entity that is able to bring her a moment of joy in her sad existence.

Everyday is the same for her, nothing ever changes.
she makes friends and as soon as they get to close she puts up her walls and they abandon her.
she would rather avoid people than to ever be betrayed again.
then one day she found herself unwilling to get out of bed.
she lay in bed for hours not moving a single muscle.
she had lost herself in the crevices of her mind.
she had finally escaped the life she hated and feared so much, she never again found the strength or the will to move from that bed.
Some say Sloth had taken over but how can it take over when her life had ended years before ?

She withered away waiting for someone to rid her of her pain..but no one ever showed up, not even the people who claimed to care about her or the one she thought loved her. Eventually her existence was forgotten, erased from every ones memories as if she had never existed.